I realized a few days ago, that if I didn’t blog soon, I probably never would again, so here goes it:
In early February, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Some of you that are reading this already know about the cancer, but my guess is there are a few of you that read my blog that don’t know. A funny thing happened to me when I was diagnosed, for awhile there, words failed me. Crazy, right. I dunno, I spent a good part of the first February feeling baffled.
When I first was diagnosed, I actually got off the phone started laughing, and then of course about ten minutes later I started crying, but really it wasn’t until after I had the lumpectomy that news finally hit me. I had found a lump in my breast in early December, but as usual, life (or work) got in the way and it took me until mid- December to get a mammogram, it was another three weeks before I got in to see my gyneocolgist, and another week before I got in for an ultrasound.
Every step of the way the doctors, said “Don’t worry, it’s probably nothing.”
And you know what, I believed them. Breast cancer has never been on my radar, it’s just not something I ever thought could happen to me.
"Ovarian cancer, maybe."
"Diabetes? sure, I love sweets. why not?"
"Heart disease? It could happen."
"Getting ran over in the middle of 10th Ave., I was talking on my cell phone? Most definately!"
"Breast cancer? Very doubtful."
But if ten years of sobriety has taught me nothing else, it’s taught me to suit up and and show up, so I just did what I was suppose to do, and went in for the tests. Between the ultra sound and the core biopsy, Beanie got really sick. She started peeing blood, and that scared the ever loving bejesus out of me. The tests on my breast added to my stress level, but I really didn't think about them.
It ran like this:
Monday: ultra sound
Tuesday: rush to the vet, with a huge fear that this time I really would have to put her down.
Wednesday: gigantic needle stuck in breast.
Thursday: test results came back, and I had ductal carcinoma (a.k.a. breast cancer).
Thankfully, right around that time the the antibiodics I had been giving Beanie had kicked in, and it actually looked like she was going to live. Whew!
"Wait, I have breast cancer?"
I laughed, I cried and then I made an appointment with a specialist.
I had a lumpectomy with a sentinel node biopsy on February 15th,. I am stage 1, ER positive. My oncologist did the oncotype DX test to determine whether or not I needed chemo. Thankfully, it looked like my chances for recovery were just as good with hormone therapy and radiation, so I got to skip the chemo.
I told a few people here and there, but as most of you know, I freelance in film and chose not to tell the people in my industry, except for the people in my department on the show I was currently working on. It was hard to avoid telling them because I wasn’t able to work for the week before my surgery (tests) or several weeks after (more tests/ appointments, and pain).
I went back to work about 3 weeks after the surgery, because I was waiting for test results to come back. I started radiation about a month ago. Originally, I was planning to work during radiation, but for the last three weeks, I have been in and out of the outpatient part of the hospital trying to get rid of a seroma that developed under my arm.
For those of you that have never heard of the term seroma, it’s basically fluid that collects near the surgery site. So not sexy.
Mine is about the size of one of those plastic kid’s easter eggs, and after five attempts at draining it, the doctor at the hospital told me the only thing that would probably get rid of it was another surgery. Grrr.
The following is from the post I wrote on the breast cancer after I got the news about my seroma, I wrote it about a week ago:
Well, for the first time since I was diagnosed I had a big cry today. I went in yesterday for the fifth time to get the lump under my arm aspirated. Twice was in the surgeon’s office so those don’t really count, but the last two times were under ultra sound. Once last Friday, it filled up right away, and then once yesterday. Yesterday we tried a compression bandage and I kept ice on it, but it was back to it’s normal size by this morning (actually it was a little bigger).
Let me backtrack, just a little, to state that I was suppose to go in to get it aspirated on Tuesday, but I was turned away because of a problem with my insurance! I sat in the hospital for two hours wondering why it was taking so long, and then they told me. I switched to my husband’s policy April 1st, have been going to radiation every day and sent in every form required BUT my provider they didn’t approve it. I won’t go into all the sorry details because I don’t care to relive it, but after 6 phone calls (several of them with the call on speaker phone as I read “War & Peace” in it’s entirety) I got the problem resolved.
Tuesday was insurance horror day. Wednesday was compression bandage, ice, and moving as little as possible in hopes that the damn thing wouldn’t swell up again, day.
And today found me crying when I met with my radiation oncologist, because he said the three most dreaded words in the English vocabulary, “How are you.”
I left radiation, put on my sunglasses, never mind the overcast day, called DH and had him talk me off the cliff and give me the strength to put on my big girl pants and go back into the hospital. The doctor who drained me, took me right away, but alas her recommendation is to consult with my surgeon. She thinks it’s too close to other vessels, and that she might be hitting them when she tries to go in to drain it. She mentioned sceloropathy, which would require the surgeon going back in there. It’s minor surgery, but “God.”
My guess is my surgeon will want to wait on it, until I am through with radiation, but “God.” My underarm hurts almost all of the time, more so when I am lifting things (which I try not to do), and more so with a sport bra, than without. I am a 34D so it’s hard for me to go bra less, unless I am sedentary. And of course, I have been jabbed on three different occasion in the last week with big needles, so it’s hard to really now how my armpit is really feeling, but I remember complaining about it for a good solid month before I even tried to get it resolved because I kept praying the stupid pain would go away.
Okay, that’s enough out of me, except to say radiation has been okay. I have some light blistering, but I grew up in FL, and a sun baby, so I just keep putting ointment on it. I bought a slew of products when my nipple was going haywire (aloe, aquaphor, & udder cream) but to date the one I like best is the vitamin A&D ointment. The only down side is it stains my tank tops, and I smell like a baby. Yesterday, it stained one of my nice shirts, it had bled through from one of my sports bras and that made me mad.
And on one other silly side rant, today after my mini breakdown, I decided to wash my dog’s bedding. As I have mentioned before I have a very old girl, and she tends to have accidents, so weekly washing are more than a must, and I figured since the last two days have been such a huge waste of time maybe if I got this one small chore done and dragged my sorry butt to laundromat, I would feel saner. Well, I went to switch the bedding from the washer to the dryer and it was soaked! If it had been my home washer in GA, I would of just reran it knowing that it just needed to be spun out, but since it was the laundromat, I just put a lot of quarters in the dryer and fled the scene. It’s also pouring out. Hmm.
@#$%, %#!, and POOP.
After I wrote the post, if not better, at least resinged that nothing I was going to do would change what was going on under my arm, so I said, "F--k it, and Ipulled out a bunch of fiber and started carding. I figured if my underarm was going to swell up again, so be it, let it be over something useful like batts for my spindolyn spindle. Of course, on Saturday, I was sore, but at least I had pretty batts to look at.
The swelling and the pain comes and goes depending on how much lifting I am doing. I have the smallest purse and the world, that I somehow still manage to carry two projects in, and I really do try and minimize how much I carry these days.
This morning, I made the mistake of carrying too much stuff home from the grocery store, and my underarm is once again throbbing. Big f-in' boo on that one.
Out of everything I have gone through, the damn seroma it the thing that aggravates me the most. When I think about it, I get down right hostile, I guess, it’s because it feels like there is no end date with it. I have an appointment with my surgeon next Monday, but I have already decided that I don’t want to go through another surgery until after I have healed completely from radiation.
I have also decided that as soon as I get through radiation, I want to get in our old Buick and drive out of here. It’s been almost a year since we have left New York City, and it feels a lot longer. I want to see trees, empty highways, and sky. I don’t want to see hospitals, doctors, or hospital gowns (so not sexy). You get the idea.
At this point, I would like to take a moment to share with you some of the bizarre things have been rocking my world, as of late. I'm not sure why, but I always find it fascinating what excites me:
1. Vitamin A&D ointment. Per doctor’s advice, I started using this stuff on a certain part of my anatomy that would not settle down, and all I can say is, WOW. It may makes me smell like a baby’s butt, it’s worth it.
2. Knitmore Girls podcast (thank you Gigi & Jasmine).
3. Netflicks on Demand (Glee season 1, Drop Dead Diva, and now Lost-OH, bad television, How Great thou Art).
4. Lace Knitting. (I usually don’t have the concentration for lace, but I am currently on my third lace project. Most mornings you can find me on the #6 train counting or cursing).
5. Spring (On good days, I have been walking with my Golding through the cemetery, on bad days, I look over at the cemetery and thank God, it’s above freezing.).
6. Finding the back entrance to Lenox Hill Hospital. (There is never a wait for the elevator. Yay!)
7. Warmed Almond Milk with Tumeric. (It works as a sleep aide, and apparently Tumeric is suppose to be a good natural anti-inflamatory. Who knew?)
8. My nook (thank you Jodi Picoult keeping me company, all the nights my boob woke me up, and it took awhile to fall back to sleep).
9. My little itty, bitty K-Mart purse.
Anyway, that gives you a very brief down on my life with breast cancer. I have knitted more in the last few months than I probably have in the last few years. I finished the Linden, the Traveling Woman Shawl, the Alhambra, the Endpaper Mitts, and the Amanda Hat. I am hours away from finishing the Luciole, and I am hoping to cast on another shawl before radiation ends. It’s a weird goal, but my original cancer goal was to the finish all my UFO’s, and I have finished all but one of them, so I need something new to shoot for.
"Hmm, maybe I should see how many shawls I can finish before the seroma under my arm goes down?"
Wow! What news! Glad you caught it in time, and posted about it.
Bill and I are living is Missouri. Moved here in February when he got a job, and now the plant is closing in two months.
Life is a real thrill ride!
Big hugs to you!
Nancy
Posted by: Nancy McKellar | May 07, 2011 at 08:31 AM
Big {{{HUGS}}}
Posted by: Lisa | May 08, 2011 at 05:02 AM