Saying Goodbye to my BFF

Saying Goodbye to my BFF.

My friendship with Beanie began about 15 & ½ years ago.  She was a shelter puppy, a shepherd mix with floppy ears and one white paw. I adopted her with my soon to be ex-boyfriend.  She was our attempt at family, and settling down.  Two months into dog ownership, our pack of three, turned into a pack of two, and both Beanie and I were the better for it. As I cried every night into my glass of chianti, I found loving a dog is far superior to loving a boy and slowly, oh so slowly, I began my journey into adulthood.  My drinking and partying slowed down a lot.  It's really hard to stay out all night when you have a puppy at home.

When Beanie was 5 years old, we were joined by another shelter dog, a little Pomeranian named “Frankie Pom-Pom.”  Loving animals, slowly teaches you to love yourself, and after 20 years of drinking and doing drugs I decided to get sober and I went to AA. 

My first husband hated that I quit the bar scene, and resented the new grown up me.  He wanted his party girl back.  At two years half years into sobriety, I put on my “big girl pants” and I left him. The hardest part was the two weeks in between apartments when I had to leave my dogs with him.  I moved in with “soon to be” husband 2, a little orange tabby joined our pack, and we settled in to a life of domesticity.

 

Well, okay it was only domestic for a two years, and then it turned into insanity.  From 2005 until 2008, I traveled back and forth from New York to Macon, while DH renovated our house in GA.  Traveling took a toll on me, and as much as I missed my husband, I missed my dogs more.  Anyone who is reading this and this is a dog owner will understand.  Being away from Beanie was especially hard because she was getting older.

A big part of our relationship had been long walks together, and it wasn’t too long after we left Macon and moved back to Brooklyn, that long walks stopped being an option.  I remember the last long walk we took, it was about 2 years ago.  We walked 20 blocks to the neighborhood Blockbuster, and by the time we got back Beanie’s back paw had started bleeding.  I cried, and I have probably cried 40 times since then. 

I missed walking with her so much that about a year and half ago, I set up my yoga matt next to her bed in our bedroom,so she could be with me when I worked out.  About 8 months ago, I set my spinning wheel up next to her bed because she stopped coming into the living room, and I wanted an excuse to spend more time with her.  

If you read my last blog post, you know that dear Beanie got very sick in February right around the time I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  The vet put her on antibiotics and another medicine called Proin. I was scared and angry about having cancer, and I was overjoyed and grateful that my dog was better. My prayer, my wish, my mantra was that she would stay with me until I got through radiation.

 

Treatment was a slog for both of us.  I wasn’t suppose to lift anything, and Beanie couldn’t maneuver the stairs.  Most days she wasn’t strong enough to pee on her own. so I would have to lift her back hind legs up to give her the support to squat.  It became such a routine with us, that I could get her to pee inside on a wee-wee pad inside the house.

With both pride and sadness, I thought how brilliant my dog was, that at 15 & ½ she learned how to pee on a wee wee pad.  On days when I was feeling badly, I would watch tv in bed and knit.  I will be honest, there were a lot of days were I got frustrated and angry with her. Cleaning up pee when you are sore and tired from radiation isn’t fun.  Washing a gigantic cart load of dog bedding, at least once a week, isn't fun.  Lifting a 40 pound dog up and down stairs, knowing that she will probably pee on you at least once  isn’t fun.   And well, seeing your best friend suffer when you already feel beaten down is just plain miserable.

As radiation was coming to an end, I really started to struggle internally.  I knew that when I went back to work there would be no way to take care of Beanie.  DH & I had decided that when I finished radiation we would take a few weeks and go down to GA.  It had been over a year since we had been home, and the the "to do list" down there has been growing.

 

Our last road trip had been to Maine last summer.   Maine was stunning, but it had been a hard trip.   Beanie couldn’t get around very well, so we ended up having to leave her in the cottage, which in turn meant Frankie was left in the cottage.  We came back from one day trip, and Beanie was no where to be found.  I called her and she didn't come.  A few times as a puppy, when I left her on vacation she had jumped out the window.

"Could she have jumped out the window?"

I found her in one of the bedrooms, stuck under a dresser. 

Sometimes we would take them with us, but then we were always afraid to leave them in the car for too long, and Beanie often looked miserable in the back seat. 

Did I want a repeat of this?  Was it fair to Beanie, fair to Franke, fair to DH?  What about me?  I have just spent the last 4 & ½ months, fighting with cancer.  Technically, when they told me I had finished radiation, I had won.   I wanted to go for long walks on the beach, visit local yarn stores up and down the coast, stay in motels and not have to worry about cleaning up dog pee.  Uggh.

But more than that I wanted my dog with me. 

Funny thing about life, often I find that choices are made for me.  The day before I finished radiation, Beanie got another urinary tract infection.  I knew that in a matter of days she would be peeing blood again.  And I knew that if I took her to the vet, it would have to be her last visit. 

On Wednesday, I went for my final treatment and the machine was broken.  With an hour or more to kill, I decided to hit the local AA meeting.  On my way to the meeting, I saw a lot of dogs happily walking next to their owners.   The dogs looked happy, and for the most part the owners looked happy. How many months had it been since I had looked happy walking Beanie, or for that matter had she looked happy walking?  It was in that moment, that I realized I had to let her go. 

I don’t think often about heaven.  In fact, although I believe in God, I’m not sure about heaven, but for a moment there I had some clarity. I realized that once I put her down, I would see her again, and when I did she wouldn’t be my poor sick old dog, she would be the dog of my memory.  The dog that had hiked with me in the Catskills, ran with me in Cape Cod, went swimming with me in Florida, and carried me through a divorce, and early sobriety. 

So I did what a good friend would do, and I put her down today. DH had warned me that maybe I didn’t want to be with her when she went, but I knew I had to be.  I had her since she was a puppy, and I needed to take care of her until the end.  It was my job. 

Beanie was my daughter, my sister, my mother, my grandmother, and of course my very best friend. 

Comments

[eve]

Thinking of you...

[Nancy McKellar]

Beanie was such a good girl! >>>>>>>

[Nancy McKellar]

Hugs to you!

[Lisa]

{{{hugs}}}

[Janel]

Your post just simply makes me cry. I am so sorry that you lost her!

My own Lab just recently needed surgery for cancer. As I cried to the vet tech that I'd never get another dog if something happened to him, she said something like..."Of course, you will. Because, as much as it hurts to watch them suffer and ultimately lose them, the love they give us over the years totally outweighs the hurt in the end."

Beanie was lucky to have you and vice versa.

[Sara]

Sending you lots of love...Miss Beanie was a very lucky dog.

[Maggie]

So sorry for your lose. I too am a BC survivor and know the importance of having loving support-4 or 2 legged-during your fight.
Good luck to you and big hug,
Maggie